Anxiety, please leave.

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It’s the holiday season and as always, I’m having anxiety attacks.

As defined by Wikipedia:

Anxiety (also called angst or worry) is a psychological and physiological state characterized by somatic, emotional, cognitive, and behavioral components.[2]. It is the displeasing feeling of fear and concern [3] The root meaning of the word anxiety is ‘to vex or trouble‘; in either presence or absence of psychological stress, anxiety can create feelings of fear, worry, uneasiness, and dread.[4] Anxiety is considered to be a normal reaction to a stressor. It may help an individual to deal with a demanding situation by prompting them to cope with it. When anxiety becomes excessive, it may fall under the classification of an anxiety disorder.[5]

Somehow, the holidays always makes me feel this way. Perhaps it reminds me of how troublesome and not enjoyable my previous holidays had been. Or wondering why people around me are having much more fun than I do. Or would my friends or colleagues be happy with what I would be giving them. Or that I would be forced to perform, suit up or do weird things for those themed parties. Or maybe its just me being me.

This time around, my feeling of dread had doubled coz I would be starting a new professional phase in my life by next year. It’s that feeling of limbo. Being somewhere in between. Ending one but not yet starting on the other. Doubting if you have made the right decision. Was it a good thing to accept the new job? Would I be happy there? How come it seems that my current job is looking better compared to when I was looking for a replacement? Oohh ohhh.. my friend just got another job offer and its way better than mine. So did I rush into my decision with my job offer? Hhhhhmm. Or maybe it is just me?

I’m trying to rationalize with myself before all of this weird feelings go into full gear. And this is what I have realized…

I’ve had crappy holidays because I chose to have it that way. This year had been very tough for me and the family. So every little thing should not be taken for granted. Seize the day. Claim your happiness. I should stop waiting for the perfect moment to celebrate. Every little thing should be a cause for celebration. I should be flexible too. I have my own personal rules but following each and every one of it would mean that I would not be bending to what society sometime requires. So it’s either I would act as the outsider or try to bend a bit of my rules and be at least part of the crowd. It’s all up to me and I shouldn’t feel helpless about it.

Now, about my decision. When I decide about anything, I should not consider what everyone else would think. Once I decide, the “what ifs” should stop. The focus should be on how I can make it work. Does that guarantee that everything would be alright? Of course not. It might be a wrong move. It might be a mistake. The important thing is to recognize it as one and move on from there. Any kind of change is scary.  A quote from French poet Anatole France sums it up very well:

“All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another.”

That is exactly how I feel. Like a part of me is dying. Not to be too dramatic but I really feel that way.

So now, I need to focus.

My glass is half full. Not half empty.

=)

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